Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.