A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
i love meeting boys on tinder
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit