My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
This forever.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok