I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You Might Also Like
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work