[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
new wife guy just dropped
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.