My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.