My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You Might Also Like
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[eats all your cotton candy]
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.