Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*