good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain