Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn