No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
oh my gosh!!
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.