A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
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The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
#parenting
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?