him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
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me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
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Dead:
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I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows