the battle rages on
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Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.