I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.