Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
From my Mom
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites