why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.