I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
when the buffet is more honest than your date