I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*