Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no