“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
This classic never gets old . . .
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher