*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
🛁
*puts cutlery down*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
the greatest twitter interaction
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.