[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”