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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My wife gives the best headache.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER