holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
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“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients