My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played