“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.