*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.