Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I drew y’all a little something.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
That de-escalated quickly
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*