You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
You Might Also Like
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks