A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Had an epiphany today.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”