This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.