Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby