Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Good point.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.