When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes