That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*