I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
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Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
🔦🌙👣
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.