i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
? 💀
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Thinking about Jeff
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off