I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
quarantine day 3
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.