Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
shampoo implies shampee
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Saw your ex at the shops
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
is nasa ok
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich