[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
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Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”