I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
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Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.