Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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#merica
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You鈥檙e welcome, Serena! That鈥檚 what I do all day! Decide the winner of women鈥檚 tennis matches!!!
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
They say to avoid things that excite you when it鈥檚 time to sleep, but what鈥檚 more exciting than getting to sleep?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I鈥檓 smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it鈥檚 against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Bj枚rk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
What do you mean your dog doesn鈥檛 have a middle name. How does he know when you鈥檙e angry.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn鈥檛 in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
OH. COME. ON.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”