Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Actually cracking up @ this
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
When news reporters do sports stories
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.