That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
it is time once again
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
San Francisco has too many rules
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
no refunds
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
doing some research
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.