Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
You Might Also Like
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)