Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.