it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.