me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
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GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
how much for the angry fruit?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Help Wanted
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know