🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
*checks Timeline*…